Boundaries

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

I rationally know I shouldn’t be angry at women who have healthy babies. I shouldn’t be angry when I see your post about the new milestone your baby has reached, or when you post with a new mom question about sleep schedules that now to me seems so trivial.

But lately I do have initial petty reactions which arise from my own grief of losing my Owie. I know in my heart that is not who I am, though. I know that even if I see your post or your photos, I am not mad at you. And especially if I know you and you are expecting a baby, I promise I am truly happy for you. And I don't want you to stop sharing your joy with me. Just don't judge me if I have to step out of the room...if I begin to cry, or if I need a break. I still want to be included, I just have to set boundaries for myself when the unspent love swells up too big.

I guess that's what it is...I am finding that grief necessitates setting boundaries. Especially in the world of social media. Hiding groups or profiles on Facebook, unliking and unsubscribing from pages that I used to follow about pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding--these are all boundaries I am setting. I can’t continue to read about about it. There are days I have to keep these topics at arm’s length. Most days, right now.

It really sucks, actually, and is one more thing death has stolen from me. I can’t tell you how much I’d rather be helping a mom with her breastfeeding struggles, teaching my birth class, or hell, even chatting away endlessly with the women in my life about their weight gain and pouring over baby names and registries. I’m mad that the joy most people experience (and that I also experienced!) for anything and everything baby has been taken from me. I’m mad that right now I can’t fathom going back to the work I once loved because it’s too painful.

I hope one day the joy will return. I just miss my sweet baby so much, and I am so sad that the beautiful experiences of pregnancy, childbirth, and having a newborn are now mingled with such grief and pain.