Who is Grief?

There are a lot of resources out there for the grieving. I have bought and read multiple books, talked with people who've experienced losses, and now I am working through a journal that I happened to find by accident really. It's called "How to Carry What Can't be Fixed." The title resonated with me because I have already found that a lot of what I've read and heard proposes that acceptance and healing are the holy grail of the grieving. But those things don't really resonate with me. Losing Owen is not something I'll ever get over, not something I'll ever heal from, and not something I'll ever stop grieving over--the grief is going to have to be carried somehow, some way. And I would like if it felt a little less shitty than it has been feeling; especially if I have to carry it for the rest of my life.

One of the exercises in this grief journal is about personifying grief. The exercise asks the griever to take some deep breaths and ask grief, "who are you?". And then wait for an answer and then once the answer comes, I was supposed to write from grief's perspective. I was a bit disappointed at first because I did this and thought maybe there'd be some sort of magical moment, some sort of realisation that would come to me about grief and who she is. (Luckily I am currently staying at a quiet lake house with no one really around to bother me or think I'm nuts as I sat outside asking out loud, "who are you?") So I tried again. And this time I let my mind just wander in and out of focus, swirling around the question, abandoning it and coming back to it. I allowed my mind to just let whatever came in just sit there, or not. And what came was a quote I had recently read that I liked--

Then I started getting an image in my mind of grief and of what else she might say. And what came next was basically a letter from Grief to me...

"Hello,

I am Grief. I am very misunderstood. I often make people feel confused even though I dont mean to. My purpose isn't to confuse you or even to hurt you. But I know that I do hurt. I am heavy. I don't mean to frighten you or make you angry. But its okay if you feel that way towards me, it doesn't hurt my feelings if you are angry at me. Sometimes I can make people so angry that they hurt others around them--please try not to do that. People usually want to get rid of me, escape me, or deny me. Once you know me you can't "unknow" me either, so I get it.

But you need to know that I am here because of how much you love Owen. In fact, your love for him was so strong and pure that I HAD to come as soon as he left you. I only live where love lives, you see?

But I know that I am a lot and that sometimes I can even be too much. It's okay if you have boundaries with me. You can take breaks from me if you need to. I make people tired so breaks are good. As you’re getting used to me, try to let me just sit with you. I won't say anything if you don't want me to. You can even forget I'm sitting there, but just try to let me. And then, when you're ready, try taking me for a walk. See how that feels. Maybe then you can try taking me somewhere you enjoy. If it's too much, it's okay we can try again another time. I will be patient. We have all our lives together--there's time."

And then I decided to write back...

"Dear Grief,

You have been torturing me. You have made me feel so confused, angry, sick, and even crazy. You were an impossible and very unwelcome companion. You made me want to die. But you have released your vice on me a little bit now. You're still terribly heavy and you make me very tired, it's true. But I dont see you in quite the same way as before. Before, I was trying to escape you. I was trying to run from you. But I knew that if you went away then so would Owen. I knew that I couldn't hold on to my love for him without you. So I'm learning to let you be part of that love. I'm learning to be less afraid of your waves. I am also learning that I can invite you in if I want to. I can turn on a song that makes me think of Owen and invite you into my space and let the tears flow. I find that doing that intentionally sometimes helps you feel less scary to me. I know sometimes you will come uninvited and I can't predict when that will be. It might be when I see a pregnant mom, when I see Owen's things again, or when someone asks me how I am doing. And although I don't know how I'll do in those situations, I will try not to be afraid. I know that you are here to stay. I'm not exactly happy about that but maybe I can learn to carry you."

So who is grief? She is my life long companion. And maybe one day she will be my friend.